The Life and Times of Wonder Woman

2003-02-11T18:12:00.000-05:00

this is just a test

2002-10-15T12:29:00.000-04:00

what the heck? it says it published those last few entries but they are not on the site yet!!

2002-09-28T14:34:00.000-04:00

and again....

2002-09-26T15:57:00.000-04:00

I'm getting kind of bitter about my blog not being updated, so I'm going to try again...

2002-09-24T09:53:00.000-04:00

Just jogged out all my frustration... now all my life force is sweating out of me...
and I have a full day of physics left.
This is just great.
Chris suggested we post a sign above the door of lab which reads "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Rebecca said she was thinking of doing a report on the adverse effects of the physics work on students' self worth, and that she would use the current physics majors as case studies. She also said that she couldn't use me yet because I simply have not reached that point of absolute despair yet.
Well, we shall see. The Quantum homework for tomorrow just stared me in the face and scoffed. It looked at me and it said "scoff! scoff scoff scoffscoffscoffscoff!" You know, when you type that word a few times it begins to look really funny. Anyway. I know one bad homework assignment isn't the end of the world, and following the wise advice of Chris, if I don't get it, it's not worth losing sleep over, I simply turn it in late and take one for the team, so to speak, though I'm not sure who the team is. Point being, if I turn it in late and do it well and just get the -20% late penalty, well, my mind is better at ease than if I'd stayed up all night and gotten nowhere just to hand in crap. So all is well. I just may spend a lot of today doing nothing that gets me anywhere...

2002-09-21T23:24:00.000-04:00

so I'm wondering why the heck blog won't update itself. It said it was last published at 7:28 this morning, which is obviously a fib because I slept til 10. I slept SO much today. Like, til 10, and then after dinner I was back in the room and I just laid back on the bed and felt how nice it felt just to let my back and shoulders relax for a while... they've been so painfully tense, and I was reading, and then I just shut my eyes... I think I napped between 30 and 45 minutes. It felt SO good. And a word of advice: don't try on sweatshirts when you are sleepy. You will buy one. But I like it a lot... :)

2002-09-17T10:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, okay, I’ll blog again, but I say in my profile the date of the most recent blog. If I haven’t changed that date, there is absolutely NO POINT in checking my blog over 15 times to see if I have! You know who you are… How do I know how often you check? I have my ways….
Besides, I am too abominably busy to blog terribly often. Yesterday, check this out, I was at the gym til about 7, at class from 8-9, doing homework 9-10:!5, helping my friends with their homework til 11:15, class from 11:25-12:25 and then 1:00-2:00, back to my room to take a breather, class from 3:20-4:20 and again from 4:30-5:45 (stupid senior sem went 15 minutes over, NOT what I wanted after how many hours of sitting in class), go to lane, come back to work on labs and that took me from 6 until 10. THEN I got to come back to my room to stay. So I don’t exactly feel like using my free time to blog. Even now I am wearing headphones and listening to a recording of the Old Testament class I TA for. Probably yes I should give something up, but mostly I got it under control. I just can’t think about all I have to do at once. But I did sleep like a log last night, like I’d been struck by a ton of freaking bricks. I was so unconscious that even though Rebie’s alarm went off 3 times, I am only dimly aware of it having gone off once. She says she’s grateful that I am such a deep sleeper, I don’t know that I really am such a deep sleeper but I am just SO exhausted at the end of the day this semester. And I think that will be a given pattern.
Sometimes I get a bit frustrated at the amount of time I spend helping my friends understand our homework. Augh. At the same time I want my own time but they are my friends and I don’t want to leave them hanging high and dry. I suppose I just need to learn to put a time limit on that… especially one that doesn’t cross my bedtime…

2002-09-02T22:53:00.000-04:00

As ever the paranoia of being afraid that I won’t be able to get everything done on time has proven itself irrational. I have once again somehow managed to finish my homework with an entire day to spare, a day which is forecast to have early morning showers and then remain overcast all day, so I can’t even occupy myself by going to the beach. Maybe I will go for a walk in the woods or something. Or maybe I’ll just read a lot. Read for pleasure, read for class, even read ahead.
You know the really great thing about physics? It’s like, impossible to do it on your own, but so much easier with another person. And especially you learn more when that other person is being bull-headed and insisting that you explain why you break a statement up a certain mathematical way, and you really don’t want to have to explain it because you don’t really know. But once I figured out why both factors needed their negative signs, we had both learned something, which was cool. As long as I can work on it before the night before it’s due. I just can’t stand feeling that last minute pressure. I want a day where I can debug my answers if necessary.
I didn’t really go anywhere today. In fact, the only time I left the dorm room was to go to the gym this afternoon. It was crazy full, too. I had to resort to using a treadmill, which I don’t normally like to do at school. I like the cross trainers because they are lower impact and burn more calories, or so they say. But I guess I really should use the treadmill a few times a week anyway, so I suppose it really is for the best. I definitely don’t trust myself on it when I go at 6 a.m. though. I fell off one morning and haven’t used it that early since. And another time I got a nosebleed on it… yeah, the treadmills at school just feel have a bad aura around them for me.

2002-08-31T00:01:00.000-04:00

So I’ve already dropped into an emotional low. That certainly didn’t take long. I dunno how long it will last, but man, sometimes it really bites to have a woman’s instincts and reactions. I was explaining to one of the guys in my orientation crew how incredibly competitive and territorial women are by nature. He was intrigued and tried to get me to explain it, and I found it really hard to put it into words. I guess I mentally stake a claim, but in reality it’s not really mine, and when I see another girl within the boundaries I have established, it’s like my mentality is that facial expression where my eyes narrow and the lips stiffen into a straight line and I’m ready to go in for the kill… but of course you don’t do that, you smile and play it off because the only problem is the one you have because of yourself. That probably makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to anyone BUT me, and then again I dunno if it even makes sense to me. And it’s the sort of thing that I don’t really want to talk about, because I know it’s just me being dumb and messed up in the head and I just need to get my butt in gear and stop being picky about petty things…
On another note completely, I went to the CEC Beach Party for a while tonight (yeah, I MUST have been bored!) and wore a nice flowered dress and a black sweater. All the girls I knew were like, “dang, you look hot!” and I would jokingly answer, “yeah, well fat lot of good it does me, right?” or something to that effect. What’s the point, and how exactly am I supposed to believe that when I get a completely contradictory message (read: silence) from… other people. AUGH LIFE MAKES NO SENSE I AM FRUSTRATED AND I HAVE A MIGRAINE AND IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT AND I DON’T EVEN FEEL FREAKING TIRED EVEN THOUGH I SLEPT LESS THAN 5 HOURS LAST NIGHT AND HAD NIGHTMARES AND I’M TICKED OFF!!!!

2002-08-27T22:08:00.000-04:00

So here I am. Orientation is over and classes start tomorrow. I suppose I am entering this semester with the same sort of optimism as I usually do. Like, I am determined to exercise before classes every day, keep my weight where it is, and actually have a decent social life. But I am willing to bet that within the next 3 weeks I am once again deeply ingrained into the same mistakes as usual. In fact, I think I am already slipping back into a bit of the same “same old.” Without going into detail, I can just see that I am setting myself up to be depressed and sad again. It’s like an addiction. I need some goal to pursue, something to occupy my mind and go after, instead of feeling like I am waiting for life to pass me by. But in over-pursuit of that end I fall flat on my face and beat myself up for no good reason. I do hope that I manage to avoid that this time. Though the only way to avoid this is either change bad habits before I get stuck yet again, and knowing me, well, I doubt that that sort of good reason will make its way into my dense head. Choir auditions are tomorrow too. I’ve got my fingers crossed tightly, but I’m afraid of the inevitable, I’m sure I won’t make the final cut. It’s just as well, because that would make my life SOSOSO hectic. It’s a stress I don’t really need. I feel overwhelmed by the semester and I haven’t even begun it yet. I already mostly turned down an offer as a tutor again this year. I volunteered to fill in or to be available on call or by appointment. The thing I just can’t fathom this year is being pinned down to places at night. Like, having to be in the ASC from 6-8 on Mondays or whatever. Ugh, commitment, not this semester. I committed to Wednesday nights as an OT review session, but that’s IT. I don’t think I could handle any more. I’m tired and the semester starts tomorrow, what a great start! Actually though, this week has been great in opening up the year. The people on O-staff were just a really uplifting group to be around. Like, I made a whole bunch of new friends without even trying. Like it was great, they all liked me so fast without me trying at all that I was just dazed by all the kindness that was going around. I could literally eat lunch with anyone, it’s so awesome. So hopefully that sort of thing will continue into the semester, even though we won’t be quite as close knit as before.

2002-08-20T07:56:00.000-04:00

As I’ve been once again awoken by the Gordon College men’s soccer team a half-hour before I would have liked, I’ve nothing to do to kill the time before my first o-staff meeting of the day. Yes, the lovely soccer team continued their annual tradition this morning of so kindly relieving campus alarm clocks of their duty. Needless to say, I was a tid bit peeved. They run by shouting in chant like an army squadron shouting things like “wish that we could sleep in too!” and when that’s done, just random outbursts like “wake up, Gordon!” before launching into 25 jumping jacks right outside my window. Augh.
Anyway, here I am, back at Gordon. Separated by 6 hours and several hundred miles from home. I am glad to be back. I have that naïve hopeful feeling I start every year with, the one that thinks perhaps I have gained some self-confidence over the summer and perhaps I believe in myself a little more. So that’s nice for now. When I get tired and run down it’ll wear off. Right now I like to think that working in an environment where nothing really mattered except my speed, my accuracy, and my looks was good to help me figure out what I was besides a quick brain.
Ugh, I left my tea bag in too long, my tea got too strong. Yuck. And I think I have a misquito bite right up at my hair line. It itches!!
So I’ve got another day of meetings ahead of me. It’s just as well, since there is not a TV in the room or the lounge yet. I am hopelessly bored when I am in meetings and despairingly bored when I am not. No, it’s not really that bad. I have friends here and I’ve been getting more social again, getting reaquainted with people after the summer. This whole afternoon is dedicated to “service project” though which last year was all stuff outside but today it is raining so I don’t know what’s going to happen. If I have the whole afternoon off I’m going to go out and buy a book or something, or see if I can get some people to go to the movies. As for right now though, I guess I should get ready for my first meeting of the day. Not like I’ll have to rush.

2002-08-17T21:49:00.000-04:00

So my summer is officially over. Tomorrow night I move back into Wilson hall for my third consecutive year. I suppose it’s been a fairly productive three months. What have I accomplished? I earned an A in a linear algebra course, slept a lot, added somewhere between $2500 and $3000 to my bank account, served hundreds of people wholesome meals and desserts (and got only one reported complaint, not bad at all),wrote about 10 letters and 8 postcards to keep in touch with friends, lost 10 pounds, organized my mp3s, read 9 novels, got sun poisoning, and bought jeans, khakis, two sweaters, a pair of shoes, a purse, and about a half dozen necklaces and bracelets. I only did a handful of social activities. Generally by the time I finished working I’d be far too tired to comprehend going out.
Today I went to David’s Bridal to try on the dress Elise has picked out for her bridesmaids. A size 6 felt great and looked great, everywhere except up top. I had to go up two sizes, to a size 10, before the dress fit my chest. I told mom to tell Elise I said “Dang my breasts! I’ve never been a 10 before!” Stupid high-cut top made for flat girls…. J/k Besides, when I get it taken in a little at the waist, it won’t really be a 10 anymore. It’ll be more like an 8-C.
I took an unusually long time (for me) to leave work tonight. Actually hung around for a little while after I was done, instead of bolting for the door and my car as usual. It always feels like that when I know I won’t be back for a few months. But I don’t believe in sappy goodbyes, I am almost always very good about them because hey, three months is short enough to deal with. So suck it up, get a hug, smile and go, I guess. I tend to think that a real test of friendship and loyalty is how well people keep in touch anyway, and it’ll be interesting to see how some relationships fare.
Meanwhile, I am very very quickly retraining myself to never EVER utter the words “bite me” in Rebecca’s presence. Very quickly and rather desperately. I plan to try “oh go bite yourself” sometime and see what happens. I bet it’ll be funny.

2002-08-14T22:03:00.000-04:00

So I have 3 and a half days left at home before I head back to school. Of course, although I no longer really feel more than a visitor in PA, there are reasons I am reluctant to leave. It always happens, I get attached to things wherever I am, and I no I shouldn’t because I’m just going to have to leave again but there’s no point, stuff always just inevitably grows on me. Ah well. The mind is a wonderful playground in which to dream the time away.
Vacation was wonderful, of course. Though I was so lucky as to get myself a lovely case of sun poisoning. By midweek my face was starting to blister and by Thursday I could no longer wear makeup and there were blisters on and above my lips, on my chin, and on my cheeks. Great. By the weekend looking in the mirror was enough to make me want to cry. But it has healed surprisingly quickly, and now only my nose is still peeling and the red blotches are fading away. One lady I work with was so nice as to say when she saw me yesterday, “what the heck happened to you?!” Gee, I thought, don’t try too hard to convince me it’s not so bad. But even then I looked like a freaking supermodel compared to the day before.
Tomorrow is my annual back to school shopping trip. I’m getting new glasses, and I have good coupons for express and weathervane that we’ll see if I can use. And then I’ll pick up toiletries at Wal-Mart and spend all my mom’s money… it’s always good fun. Then I’ll come home and pack it all up. The end always comes so fast when it gets this close.

2002-07-29T16:02:00.000-04:00

I really expected this morning to be a much more horrible day at work. Literally, I was prepared for the worst, but determined to have a good attitude and maintain it throughout whatever storm came to pass. As if getting there at 5:20 am wasn’t bad enough, I was blessed with 3 co-workers who aren’t exactly at the top of my “favorites” list. You know, I love the people I work with, most of them are really great. I mean, there are some that I wouldn’t likely be connected to if it weren’t for this job, but there is only one person at my job that I really dislike, and that is only most of the time, too. This of course was the waitress I shared the front dining room with this morning. She can often be very bull-headed, which would be a lot more tolerable if she was bull-headed in a way that made any sense. Like, there is no explaining to her that you do not need a year’s worth of placemats in the station cupboard at all times. And after you remove the absurd excess, it will reappear once more before terribly long. And no matter how much side work you do or how fast you get your food out and your tables cleared, because you are a college student you are therefore without exception LAZY. Things are different after the college kids leave she says. Well, I can’t think of one waitress in the entire establishment that wouldn’t prefer even the worst of us to her any day of the week. But I digress. She was actually tolerable today, and so were the other two waitresses who both could have gotten annoying. And I never really even got tired. Heck, after I was done (an hour earlier than expected, by the way) I came home and ran my butt off on the treadmill. And then I took a long, hot shower. I lathered, rinsed, AND repeated. It felt SOSOSOSOSO good. So I’m just chilling now and for the rest of the night. Ahhhhhhhh

2002-07-18T21:02:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been working for the past 34 hours. Or that’s how it feels at least. See, I waitressed on the counter from 11-9 yesterday, and try as I might, I can’t get out of that frame of mind before I get to bed. So I was waitressing in my dreams again last night. Basically customers keep coming in and I keep telling them, I already closed, I’m sleeping now, what are you doing here? It’s a weird half dream and last night I actually protested so much that I finally woke all the way up around three a.m. and slept soundly the rest of the night. But I was back at work at 7 this morning, feeling like I had never left. And then one of the girls didn’t show up for lunch, so they pulled me off salad bar prep, gave me an apron, and set me to it. I was doing two jobs at once and only getting paid for one. How does that work?? I served drinks, refilled the salad bar, served drinks, refilled salad bar, cleared plates, refilled the salad bar. You see the pattern. So basically it’s life as usual. One girl at work has been a pain in the neck lately though. On Tuesday she asked to work for the closing girl, and then tried to switch hours with me so she wouldn’t have to close, but didn’t want to switch sections (the closing girl gets better tables), and said she’d stay around anyway and help me close, and even offered me the last 3 or 4 tips she got that night. Why? Because she would be SO tired. 11-9 and she would be too tired. I’m like, 11-9? I did that last week, I was doing it again the next day… Last summer one Saturday I worked 7 a.m. til 9 p.m. with only enough time for 2 10 minute breaks all day. Don’t TELL me that you are too tired. As far as I was concerned, she requested the hours, she was stuck with them. And I didn’t have to do it, so I wasn’t gonna. And she survived somehow. She was a little irritated when by a misunderstanding I was given a group of 8 people she had been assigned earlier, and then later she brewed Iced Tea and didn’t line up the brewer with the hole in the container so it spilled all over the place. Then she said, oh, someone must have bumped it. Yeah, the other waitress and I knew what was really up with that. And my poor guy friends back in the buffet kitchen are having such a hard time of it lately because their boss really is an idiot, I mean really, this guy has a few screws loose. And he is making a lot of new rules that don’t make any sense, and “fixing” machines so that they actually don’t work. Hey “fixed” a prep oven and when he put it back together it was too wide to hold up the trays that are supposed to go in it! I’m worried that there might be an explosion between them back there tomorrow. It’s reached the “him or me” point with one of the guys.
I wonder if anyone still actually reads this…

2002-07-11T21:37:00.000-04:00

So well not much is new. I worked for mom on Tuesday morning, meaning I opened the restaurant and worked until about 2:45. I cannot believe that there is any humanly possible was to get used to those sort of hours. I'm telling you, it's just painful. By the end it feels like you legs weigh about 1000 pounds each. Chad told me I should try running or biking, and I was like, I do, I run almost every day. He laughed and said oh nevermind then. I don’t care how early you go to bed the night before, 4:45 is just an ungodly hour to wake up at. It is not right to get up before the sun, let alone be expected to smile and wait on people. By the end your emotions are holding together by an itty bitty little thread and just about anything is enough to set you off. Like if a hostess snaps at me, or if the other girl weasels her way off first, or if there is a misunderstanding with a customer, or if I have to wait on people who drive me absolutely up the wall. Yes, all of these happened on Tuesday between 1:30 and 2:30, and man alive, I was cranky by then. I just wanted to crawl back into bed. I don’t care how good the money was, never ever again, if I have anything to say about it. I’d much rather work longer and stay later, like I did yesterday, from 11-9. Of course, being on the counter I had to deal with Bob, the Genaurdi’s guy, and the guy with the humongous nose who comes in 6 days a week and gets the exact same thing every night without fail. I gotta think that is horribly boring. But of course, a shift like that gets into my head so deeply that it’s not out by the time I go to bed, and so I was waitressing all through the night last night in my dreams. Honestly, so vividly, it was seriously like I was waiting on tables straight through the night. I remember waiting on a girl I knew in middle school and seeing that she had a boyfriend and was wearing a shirt from her college, that I misread at first and asked her about, and she corrected me on the name and told me how she liked it, and I remember some guy coming in and ordering 4 milkshakes to go and when I asked what flavors he wanted he said to surprise him, and so I made “chocolate strawberry” and mint-chocolate-chip and blueblerry (there is actually blueberry syrup for banana splits, which we hardly ever have to make and I have been curious what a blueberry milkshake would be like) and also blueberry-chocolate-strawberry-vanilla, which I guess would probably be pretty gross. But wow, it was bizarre. And the whole time I was asking everyone what they were doing there in the middle of the night because I remembered closing promptly at 9 that night and I didn’t even have to stay late to clean up because I was ready then. Gosh was that odd. I woke up mentally exhausted and was glad not to have to waitress today. Instead I was in the salad bar prep area cutting stuff up into itty bitty pieces and taking out my aggression with large knives and listening to people eat dog food on the radio to win a limo ride and backstage pass for a concert tomorrow. And it was great, I didn’t have to work dinner, so I even stayed a little late to finish the work I started for the cooks (stuff I didn’t even have to do) because I figured, hey, I’m getting paid, what’s the rush? Then I went to the supermarket, and then I went running, and then I took a nice long shower with a radio playing and didn’t even hear the phone ring when Rebie called. Drat. But it’s been a lovely relaxing day, and if I get up in time tomorrow I can go for a run before I work the split shift I am scheduled for. AND I have a three day weekend coming up. Three days! What am I gonna do with myself???

2002-07-05T22:22:00.000-04:00

You know what? I am really really mad. I mean, seriously, and this is about something that doesn’t even involve me, but it just ticks me off. See, there’s a guy I work with, we’ll call him Jim. I don’t think I know any Jims so this seems safe. Anyway, Jim is a pretty big showboat, shall we say. He just bought a nearly new dark dark dark blue 2002 Toyota Selica and it’s a gorgeous car that he loves showing off and will likely be paying for for the next ten years. He also thinks he is all that with the ladies. He’s always talking about this girl or that one or going to the beach for senior week and picking up all the hot chicks. And each time, I get a little confused, and I ask, “but don’t you have a girlfriend?” And the answer is always the same, “well, yeah, but I just can’t get rid of her.” And now he’s dating this other girl at work. He is dating two girls at the same time! And I tried to talk reason to him. I tried to explain that he wasn’t being fair to either girl by pulling this. And he tried to justify not breaking up with his girlfriend, because she is so sweet sometimes and he thinks, man, I really love her, and then the next week she’s such a b**** and he can’t stand her, but then it’s great again, and so on. I asked him in what twisted reality he imagined this working out in any way well for him. He said he knew it wouldn’t. But what was he supposed to tell his girlfriend of 1 year and 7 months? “I’m seeing someone else”? I said, would you rather she be your girlfriend for 2 years and 6 months and tell her, oh, I’ve been seeing someone else for nearly a year now? Let’s face it, he could argue all he wanted and I would STILL be right. It just ticks me off that he could think so little of both girls to do this to them. I am absolutely blown away that this other girl at work would even agree to go out with him, without putting her foot down and making him break up with his girlfriend. I am even MORE astonished that his girlfriend could have such incredibly low self esteem and think SO very little of herself that she would put up with this kind of treatment. I told him I would never date someone like him or at the very least someone in his position and he seemed stunned. I can’t imagine thinking so little of myself to think that I deserved someone who couldn’t even promise to date only me. I really don’t think that I am expecting too much when I set my standards that a guy has to believe in God, fidelity, abstinence, morals, and at least be very mild as far as profanities, smoking, and drinking go. I really don’t think it is asking too much to ask for a guy to think of and treat a woman with respect instead of just as an object or a body. Often it seems like I should just throw in the towel and give up hope. Not that I would compromise myself. I may long to be in a relationship, but I am not stupid enough to compromise myself just to achieve that end. I would sooner resign myself to life as a single woman than compromise those standards. The only thing cooling the steam rising off me tonight is my other friend at work, Chad (that is his real name), who did assure me that what “Jim” was doing was very very wrong and that he never has and would never treat a woman like that. So at least I know there is hope, that not every guy out there treats girls like that. But no wonder I am still single. There’s enough trash out there.

2002-07-02T14:38:00.000-04:00

My new theme song: "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

2002-07-02T11:21:00.000-04:00

I seem to be stuck in this big psuedo-depression. Basically I’m back in the same pit I keep rolling in and out of, the one where there is either something wrong with all the guys in the world, or there is something wrong with me. The odds aren’t in my favor that 3 billion people in the world are all making the same mistake, and so I can conclude with a fair degree of certainty that the problem actually lies with me. Trouble is, I can’t figure out what the problem is. If it is that I am too “goody-goody,” well, then I truly am screwed because there are just certain things I cannot and will not compromise for any cost. I’m not going to smoke, I think that is filthy. I’m not going to go out and get smashed because that is just stupid. I’m not going to become, shall we say, morally loose, because I am simply not going to compromise myself. And yet those seem to be basic social norms. I don’t understand how a kiss can be “just a kiss” or how some people can let others touch them so easily. For me it’s like, woah, woah, personal space! And so I’m trapped. You know what I figured out last night? I think I strive so much to be a perfectionist in so many things because the thing I really want, I can’t control and I have to wait for. It’s like I’m saying to “fate,” “ha! You may be able to control that, but *I* can make straight As, *I* can be an excellent waitress, *I* can earn this and this and this and I can handle all of this.” I guess I’m doing it all to spite myself. Like, if there is one thing I can’t control, well then doggonit I’m going to control everything else. Of course, this is rather depressing. It’s a whole big compensation thing, I make up for what I can’t control by being obsessive about what I can. I maintain, I am severely messed up.

2002-06-24T11:20:00.000-04:00

So it’s been a few days since I journaled, what’s been going on? Well, I switched allergy medications again. Now I’m on Claritin D, which I have to take first thing in the morning because it kinda gives me the jitters and I couldn’t sleep if I took it later in the day. But the extra energy kinda wears off when I go running, which I actually attempted to do outside today (as opposed to on the treadmill in our air conditioned basement with a TV in front of me) during the first day of the first heat wave of the summer. NOT one of my more genius moves, especially since I was really sick this past weekend. So sick that on Saturday all I ate was three pieces of toast and a bowl of fruit. I think that’s a new record for me. Anyway, I ran myself totally sick and even had to walk a little over a quarter mile of my two mile course. That irritated me. At any rate, the Claritin D is working, hallelujah I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!!!! I am simply ecstatic about this, you have no idea. I hate allergies with a passion. Not quite so much as I hate working the counter at work. Well, that’s a bit harsh. See, I have this love/hate relationship with the counter. You make great money because you have so many customers, but if you screw up, it is with an audience, and you have nowhere to hide and recover and so you get flustered and very very likely to screw up again, which almost inevitably happens, and you get thrown off your rhythm and you start to feel like you are drowning and flailing and you start to cry but you have to keep serving people so you bite your lip and smile and get the heck back out there until you have time to break down for a few minutes, which is not likely to happen for a good hour or so. So when it’s good, it’s great, I make around $60 guaranteed even when the other half of the restaurant is slow. But when it’s bad, it’s awful. It is HORRIDLY hot outside. My weatherbug thing is reading 91 degrees right now and it’s 43% humidity. I have been seriously considering chopping my hair again. I don’t think I will, but man, when I have to put it up in a ponytail 5 or 6 days a week for work, it just gets really old because it is WORK to get all this up nicely. And being the anal perfectionist that I am, nicely means no bumps, feels even, is centered, and even has the hair underneath that massive ponytail is pulled in tightly and girls know that is hard to do. Basically I stress myself out and tire myself out before work for no good reason. Well, I suppose I should be going because I still have class Mon-Thurs 12:30-2:50 for two more weeks and it’s about that time now. Til next time.

2002-06-16T20:24:00.000-04:00

You know what? I think that I have a severe problem dealing with mediocrity. I mean really, in any situation, I just can’t deal with mediocrity. This was one of those things I was thinking about during my 3 hour drive home from Penn State today. I realized that I am always pushing for my grades to be the best, to work the most,, and even when I realize that I do in fact have issues, they can’t just be normal issues, they have to be world-altering neuroses that make me a bigger freak than everyone else too. I don’t know what to do about this complex. How does one stop being an egomaniac? Cause I guess that’s basically what it breaks down to. Anyway.

2002-06-09T22:38:00.000-04:00

You know, honesty truly is the best policy. I’ve finally matured enough to figure this out. And really, being honest isn’t as horribly difficult as people think. It’s really like ripping off a band-aid. Work up the nerve and just get it out, and you feel SO infinitely much better, or else you’ll just fester and fester and wonder if the sucker is even healing at all. And when you are honest, you don’t end up deceiving yourself with your own little misconceptions. It’s so liberating, I mean really. When you are honest and get on the same page, you know everyone has the same facts and that they are facts and not fabrications.
I suppose I have resorted to being girly. I am talking to a friend right now and discussing how I have utterly failed to be the cynic I set out to be, and that yes I actually do end up hopelessly adorable. Someone explain to me how it works that a brilliant, beautiful, friendly, cute girl has remained virtually single her entire life. HOW DOES THIS WORK?! The injustice drives me bonkers. Honestly, life’s greatest mystery as far as I’m concerned. Although I got hit on the other day by a 30+ hispanic gas attendant. He asked what year Cavalier my car was. I said 1991. He was looking at a 1993 to buy. Did I know what Cavalier meant? I said yes, it meant gentleman. He asked if I had a Cavalier. I’m like yes, duh, you just filled it with gas (so I’m dense, sue me). He said no, do you have a CAVALIER? I said uh, no, not right now. He said why not, you are so beautiful! I was like, oh dear…..
We had a family reunion today. We actually had to wear family t-shirts. I deeply resented the blatant stripping of my individuality. It’s really a shame that my shirt was too long and I had to cut it off a little. Darn! Well, we were singing old timey songs like “There’s a Church in the Wildwood” and “I’ll Fly Away” and “Unclouded Day” and other songs I only knew the choruses of. And this one song, we were singing and we got to the last chorus and the leader calls out “IN DUTCH!” and the older people started singing in Pennsylvania Dutch! I almost fell over I was so surprised. T-shirts and PA dutch. What a weird afternoon.

2002-06-05T23:15:00.000-04:00

I finally got my grades the other day! Sorry to disappoint you all, but it is true, I am in fact NOT perfect. Only got a 3.88 this semester, so sorry to fall short of everyone’s expectations. I’m glad Rebie doesn’t read this because she would let me know what a load of bull that is. She says, and she’s right, that I expect to much of myself, that I push myself too hard because for some twisted reason I’ve convinced myself that I have to. Well, I know that, but at the same time I guess it feels to me that everyone somehow thinks I’m this wicked smart girl and expects me to get As all the time and so I’d hate to disappoint, and the fact that I have minuses tacked to my NT and German grades just kinda makes me feel like I didn’t live up to what everyone thought I would. But to heck with all of you, I did my best in those classes (well, my best considering I didn’t really want to take the courses. German I took because I really need to keep practicing before I go next spring). I guess I really struggle with this imaginary standards thing I have set up for myself. And here I go again in the fall. At least the first half of the semester I only have 4 classes. Anyway, I am going to go to bed so I’m awake enough for my Linear Algebra exam tomorrow, should be a breeze.

2002-06-02T20:15:00.000-04:00

No, I haven’t fallen off the face of the planet. I’m just busy as usual. I’m running from bed to class to work to bed to class to work to bed to work to bed to work to bed to church to bed to class and so on and so forth. My class has 8 other people in it, all strangers, two of who drive me just a little bonkers, but I’ll get through. After all, it’s only nearly two-and-a-half hours for four days a week. And I just got off the phone with my boss who offered me 3 more shifts this coming week, which I of course accepted because I am such a sucker. We kidnapped my one friend this past Friday night and dressed her in a prom dress and took her midnight bowling. It’s a shame, she’s going away for the summer and another friend is moving an hour away, and so this summer it’ll just be two of the usual culprits at home, coincidentally the workaholics, and so we will be working all the time and worn out when we are not. But summer continues otherwise uneventful. I still miss school friends of course every day, but I guess I’m back into the home rut again.

2002-05-26T15:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I seem to have about zero willpower. That is annoying, because in my head I know I should do one thing and I really want to do it, but then seemingly involuntarily I end up doing exactly what I am trying to steel myself not to do! Let’s face it, I am just an overall moron. I suppose on some level I am actually just depressingly normal and these shortcomings are no big sign that I am a subhuman lower life form, but rather a simple confirmation that I am actually on the same page as all of humanity. Why can’t I be perfect and not struggle with having to discipline myself? Of course, that’s a completely superficial non-realistic thought. I know that will never happen and frankly life would probably be pretty dull if it did; after all, I’d have nothing to complain about.
So classes start on Tuesday at community college and work is already underway. I’ve been sleeping so much lately I am beginning to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. But I’m sure there’s not, I just really need that vacation I’m not going to get until August. Until then, I just need to sleep in when I can and keep at the grind. As usual. I’m probably driving myself into an early grave.

2002-05-23T18:12:00.000-04:00

You want to know how much of an incredible perfectionist I am? Last night I had what felt like a nightmare to me. What happened was I got my report card, and all my grades were straight Bs. I was so upset, but I was trying to tell myself it was okay, that Bs are fine, even all Bs are fine, but I didn’t like it one bit. Weirder still was that I had taken 26 credits, and had such weird science courses as “lightning.” I remember thinking, “lightning class? That’s the weirdest class I’ve ever heard of.” The worst was that even in my dream I saw specifically on my report card a B in physics. You’d think I could escape perfectionism in my dreams!
And as far as sleep goes, one morning, just one morning I would like to wake up NOT to the ring of a phone. This morning at 5:58 am, there goes the phone, “can Amy come in to work early?” Yesterday, and the day before, waking up to the telephone, augh, just everyone shut up and leave me alone at least until 10:30 am! I need to recover!

2002-05-19T22:50:00.000-04:00

So here I am at home again. Let me tell you, this year had some of the best goodbyes I’ve ever had. Some were old friends, others were people I just got to know this past quad, but I truly deeply felt so good about how I was leaving everyone. I drove away from my last goodbye, pulled out of the parking lot and started crying like you wouldn’t believe and probably would’ve gone on for quite some time if I wasn’t aware of how difficult driving was combined with the involuntary eye-closing cause by the tears. Being at home, well, I can’t quite explain, it’s just not the same. There are uniquely-shaped holes in my heart that aren’t going to be quite filled by emails or phone calls. I guess this is just “find out who I am” time. And you know, I think it is going to be that way for about a year. And that’s ok, you know, I feel alright with waiting this time because I know good things are worth waiting for, especially so I have time to figure out what God wants with myself and with life and I’m not making any sense at all. At any rate, tomorrow I start hanging out with my friends from home again, and I am looking forward to that. Tomorrow is the Philadelphia zoo, and Tuesday is a big fancy dinner out at some place I’ve never heard of before (and it’s free!!), and Wednesday I start working again. So far that’s all that’s on the agenda, but somewhere I need to unpack because I guess it just won’t work to not be able to see my floor for an entire summer. The pile is so overwhelming though I don’t even want to try to put a dent in it. Of course today I went out to wal-mart and where is the bag of stuff sitting? On the floor next to my luggage. It just keeps growing! Will it never end??

2002-05-17T14:36:00.000-04:00

Wow, how ironic is it that my one and only all nighter this school year had nothing to do with studying. Yeah, I definitely had a total party day yesterday, it was great. Shopping, party at Nate Pritchard’s house, STAR WARS, Denny’s, and then going to the beach and watching the twighlight come. Too bad it was too cloudy for a sunrise. I imagine it must be really awesome on a good day. Maybe in the fall I will… But I had the most fun. I didn’t go to bed until 7:40 am and I had to get up again just before 11. Now it’s almost 2:30 and I am definitely feeling the need for some more coffee… yes, I think I will be having a caffeine refill very very very soon. You know, I was disappointed in the quality of acting in Episode II, it’s a shame that neither of the lead actors knows at all how to act. And I think that all the computer animation takes away from what is so cool about “Star Wars.” Maybe I am wrong. But all I have to say is that Yoda ROCKS!! When you see the movie, you will know what I mean.
I realized today how I made so many friends this year and I’m totally happy where I am. If some things don’t work out, it’s okay because I still have all these friends who I can just call up and hang out with. And they are all such quality people, I would totally trust them with my feelings. God has totally blessed me this year and I totally feel loved. It’s a shame the year ever had to end.

2002-05-15T10:05:00.000-04:00

Well if I can stay awake through my physics final it should be pretty interesting. I definitely stayed out til 2 last night and definitely studied 3 hours max for this exam. Perhaps I should be alarmed by the amount of ridiculous typos I am making right now (I am correcting them all so as to not horribly embarrass myself, maybe I should just let them go from here on out… okay!), including various grammatical errors like conjugating verbs in the wrong tense and for the wrong person. Not to mention using completely the wor, I mean, wrong words com, I mean altogether. Perhaps I should be worried. Po, I mean people asked which exam exactly I was blowing off and whne I said Physics they were kinda like, wow. But really, qw, I mean quantum mechanics in the intro course isn’t really that hard, it’s all math :D and that makes me happy. The multiple choice may not be terribly fun, but do I really care? Nah, not really, I am definitely awake thanks to the miracle of a very VERY strong cup of coffee. Like, we’re talking instant capuccino with two sppo, I mean spoonfuls of instant coffee dumped in. And for those of you who are thinkg, I mean thinking, “EW, THAT’S DIGSUTING!!!! I MEAN DISGUSTING!!!” you are right it is totally gross. Like drinking straight diesel or something. BUT I am awake, so it’s good for something. So this exam is in 45 minutes and I am definitely sitting here writing a blog. Last night was fairly eventful, for those of you who know what’s going on I did actua;;y, I mean actually do something that prompted Em Vare to say to me, “wow girl you got balls!” and I am pretty proud of myself. You know there really are many more exciting things to do than stuey, I mean study, especially when you find Lord of the Rings playing on a big screen in someone’s room. But alas and alack, I think maybe it is b, er, about time to crack down (on what, I’m not sure, but something needs to be cracked down on!) o , er, so I need to get back to these old physics notes. I’ll let you know how it went in about 2 or 3 hours! If I’m still awake…

2002-05-12T12:21:00.000-04:00

Almost. I almost did it. But. Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades….
At any rate, my parents and brother and cousin just left from packing up the greater majority of my stuff. I am now minus sheets (I have a sleeping bag), most of my clothes, my comfy desk chair, my printer, and a bunch of other useless stuff I’m not really sure why I had here at all. We all went out to dinner last night and Mike came to, and that was great fun. Then we came back here and Lizzie kicked all our butts playing the math game 24. Life is just not fair, I can’t beat a 13-year-old at 24 and I am a math major. How utterly depressing.
Well, I have six days left. The clock is ticking. Amy, it’s time to suck it up and stop being a frikkin wuss. Time is short.

This blog made absolutely no sense.

2002-05-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

You know, sometimes standing up for what’s right totally BITES. No, nevermind, that is not true. What I mean is, the reason that so few people ever do it is because you tend to get the smackdown from people who value their coolness more than, well more important things. Okay, I’ll get specific, because I’m not being terrible coherent. See, I wrote this nicely articulate opinion article in the tartan about how some of the behavior at the LAX games wasn’t befitting for students at a Christian school. I wrote that heckling, cursing, and chanting things like “we want blood!” at games left an impression of Christians on the other teams that wasn’t necessarily positive. I simply felt that we needed to be more responsible. So I go out to the lax game Wednesday for a little while to watch, and someone hollered out “we want blood!” and I thought, heavens, doesn’t anything affect these people at all? And then they hollered slightly less boldly after, “Amy” and I was like, oh, so it’s personal, I see. I knew of course that not everyone would like the article, after all it is an opinion and no opinion gets unanimous approval. But I wasn’t expecting people to be so vicious and malicious about it. Whoever did it was even too cowardly to talk to my face. They were about 20-30 feet away from me, and trust me it was deliberate, but I wasn’t about to turn and give them the satisfaction so I never even saw who it was. Now, don’t worry, I’m still proud of my article, I still rest assured that I am right and the Only opinion that matters is on my side. But for whatever reason, 1 negative response gets to me more than 15 positive responses. It’s irritating, I am kinda fuming about it. And it’s disappointing, but I guess some people will never learn to respect others. So, I may never be cool to them, but I certainly never want to be either, what I have is so much better

2002-05-07T11:24:00.000-04:00

yay, I'm going to the beach!!!

2002-05-06T12:37:00.000-04:00

Hey ya’ll I’m really bored right now so this might become a rather long blog. And seeing as I haven’t blogged for some time, I suppose that is to be expected. There’s a lot that I could say too. I have 8 hours of class remaining to sit through this semester. I don’t feel like I’m about to be done. I’m still going at it full steam. And as far as work goes, I’m over the hump, as opposed to most people who are about to crack down for finals. See, my biggest final stuff was my two german 8-page papers and my stats project, all of which are done now (excepting revision of the second paper). I already have completed one of my two take-home finals. Really I’m ready for the year to wind to a close. If it would be beach weather tomorrow I would be THRILLED since I have the day off and really want to start on my tan. Which is as yet non-existent. But whether I am ready or not (and let me emphasize again that I am NOT), the year is drawing to a close. We have already celebrated CEC-style with the annual Last Blast. I had a great time at that. I couldn’t really avoid this event as it was positioned directly outside my window. But inflatables are ALWAYS a good time (don’t you LOVE my EXCESSIVE use of CAPITALS in this blog?? Sorry, I’ll try to control myself). I especially enjoyed the inflatable obstacle course, on which I lost an earring and the skin off both my knees and an elbow but also remained UNDEFEATED! Yeah I was pumped. After that, I went with Rebecca, Dan Draper, Becca Stratton and Gloria somebody to the Koinoina concert and we all sat in the front row to support Mike. It was a great concert, and Mike if you are reading this I’m gonna say again that you were so awesome, I love how much fun you were having up there. And I’m going to say it again, next year will not be the same without you, you don’t know how often or much I will miss you. Sunny I’m going to miss you bunches next year too, no one can make me blush like you. As for the rest of you Gordonites, well, I will miss everyone so much over the summer. And you all better expect to be barraged with mass emails and the like. And for everyone at home, get ready, cause I’m coming! Yay, for a summer at the restaurant and MontCo!! Yay…
But enough of sappy end of the year business. Let’s all be happy for Jess who now has a boyfriend! It’s so nice to see her happy. It’s weird for me though, everything is weird for me because everyone around me is getting together and I just watch… Jess and Ben, Andrew and Elise, the seven couples Katie knows getting married within the next 3 months, choir hook-ups seen outside of Wilson, freshmen from my OT class walking around holding hands… I can’t take this anymore it’s driving me berserk! Sometimes I think I know what I want, then I think stupid Amy that’s never going to happen, then I think, oh it’s so happening, then I think maybe I should do something, then I think, stupid Amy doing something has NEVER been a good idea, then I think if I try to be patient I’m going to miss my only chance… and I am so muddled in indecision that I just sit there and whine about it to myself. I hate not having control of this, really. I know it’s all for the best, I do, but I still hate it. I feel like I am chopped liver or something. Because another year has gone by and this one has been uncommonly cruel to my heart, and I don’t like that at all. Why is it never my turn? And how comes some girls can go out and get the guy they want and I can’t? AUGH!
So that’s enough of that rant, too. I guess in sum, I don’t feel like the school year is ending because it ran by when my back was turned, my heart aches already with “I miss you” pains, and love… love still turns a blind eye to me. In short, nothing is really new….

2002-04-28T10:23:00.000-04:00

Hey, I deliberately didn’t grade any calculus last night! I PROCRASTINATED!!! And I’m not going to do it today, either. (fear not all, I have until Wednesday at least before I get any more, so I’m not behind yet!) But I decided I wanted to get up and get out, and so I up and went to the IMAX theater by the aquarium with Mike, Dan Draper, Jess Kinzie, Judy Garza de Vega, Amber Primm and Bree (I think, I don’t actually know her last name…). But it was cool, we saw a 3-D movie on the IMAX screen about the space station. Space would be really cool. I bet I could go, I’m freaking going to be studying astrophysics. Friday night was the golden goose, that was a lot better this year than it was last year. I think however that I have been permanently emotionally scarred by Heath Lambert, who along with two friends, dressed in tight dresses and stuffed the tops with water balloons and wore black wigs and did a Motown medley lipsync. In better taste was Warren’s rendition of “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin, a swing dance by Andy Bauer and Co., and “Particle Man” by Dan Byler (in which Rebecca was “some evil person”, Mike was Triangle Man, and Dan Draper was Person Man). I helped out with Jon Busch’s performance of his renowned song, “Armadillo.” The song goes like this:
--Pin spot on Jon--
--Jon plays a little guitar--
Aaarrr….
--Jon plays a little guitar--
Maaa….
--Jon plays a little guitar--
Dillllll….
--Jon plays a little guitar, the women’s choir files solemnly in from both sides--
Ooohh….
--Jon plays a little guitar--
--pause--
Armadillo!
--full lights, confetti thrown, picture of Armadillo on big screen--
Everyone: Ooohh, ooohh oohh ohh
--pause--
Armadillo!
Everyone: Ooohh, ooohh oohh ohh
And that’s the who song. It was great fun. And I was in the Golden Goose!! My goal in life has been realized.

2002-04-25T14:22:00.000-04:00

I am getting really tired of being sick all the time. I didn’t go to the gym again today because I just am sapped. I’m not sleepy, I’ve been sleeping enough. I just have no energy. And not to mention the fact that it feels like someone’s got my lungs in a vice now. This BITES. You know what it is though? It is the physical price you pay for driving yourself into the ground. I’m proud to have done nothing constructive today except my laundry. I guess I should start putting together my stats presentation soon, but that’s not due until Monday, so what’s the rush? (I’ll let you know on Saturday, I’m sure) And it’s supposed to SNOW tonight, isn’t that insane?? I’m a little bitter about that, just a little…. Okay I’m freaking ticked off! How am I supposed to get any better when the weather keeps pulling fast ones on me?
On the up-side, it looks like, one day before the deadline, we’ve found a fourth member for our apartment application! I’m hoping we get one. I’m not sure what kind of standing this girl has… if she’s a junior maybe we have a chance. But I really kind of doubt that we are going to get in. It’s just as well as far as I’m concerned, but it would be nice to not have to go to Lane if I didn’t want to. So I’ll be praying for that until we find out by May 8th.
And hey, guess what? You are worth exactly: $1,915,434.00
No wonder I’m single, no one can afford me! (try it yourself, www.humanforsale.com )

2002-04-24T18:49:00.000-04:00

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be Studying.
He leadeth me to rivers of Mountain Dew when I need to be refreshed,
He restoreth my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits for my grade's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown;
For thou art with me.
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding.
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me all the days of my examinations,
and I shall not have to dwell in this university forever, Amen!

2002-04-24T12:26:00.000-04:00

Ah yes, I have emerged victorious over German paper number 1! Well, sorta, I got 4 lines onto the 8th page and called it quits, and by that time I was quite too sick of this stupid paper to go back and reread it al to check for grammar and genders. I freaking wrote over 7 pages in german about a guy I knew nothing of beforehand! For someone of my abilities in that language that is no small feat! And I have to do it again.. but for now, I celebrate my victory.
Alas, though, I have no victory over my physics exam that I got back Monday. I tell you, true/false questions do not belong on a physics exam. They killed my grade. Jon Banks was all excited that he beat me by two points, and good for him. He said he was going to revel in it all he could because it would likely never happen again. And I won’t let it, if we’re competing in the B range, because I never want to get a grade on a physics exam there again. But of course it’ll happen I’m sure.
And Andrew and Elise are finally engaged!! Yay!

2002-04-20T21:37:00.000-04:00

This morning around 6:50 I awoke to experience my very first earthquake. Yes, it’s true! I had a suspicion that’s what it was, but I didn’t think that was possible in Massachusetts. I couldn’t come up with any other logical reason why my bed couldn’t seem to agree exactly where it wanted to be underneath me. And then on the radio, lo and behold, an earthquake that was 5.1 on the Richter scale and centered in upstate New York was felt all the way from Maryland to Maine! Wow, I thought that was incredible! Anyway, it was an interesting start to my day. Also this weekend I wrote almost 4 and a half pages in German. You'd better believe that wore me out

2002-04-17T23:15:00.000-04:00

Hallelujah, I am back on top of my crap!! I have been working my butt off and am constantly plugging away at reading German. German German German jetzt immer lese ich auf deutsch! Seite nach Seite, mit den Sätze, die in Ewigkeit gehen. Okay, enough of that. But I understood both my differential equations homework and my physics homework without having to ask for any help at all! You have no idea what this does for my peace of mind. What I have been reading in German has actually been making sense, and I think I will be ready for my NT exam on Friday. I completed preparing my stats presentation without event, and I have finished collecting my data for my final project. And tomorrow I am going to the beach! It had better be warmer out than it’s forecasting, because I want to lay out and tan. But if it doesn’t, maybe I’ll finish up my chapel credits a little earlier than I planned with Symposium. But watch out world, I'm back on top!

2002-04-16T23:20:00.000-04:00

I’ve been pretty stressed out the past few days. See, I’ve been making the mistake of thinking of the remainder of my semester all at once. In other words, thinking of all the HUGE things I have to get done in the next three and a half weeks. That includes two 8 page papers IN GERMAN, a final project for stats class, an NT exams, and probably another diffy q project. And then there are finals, all of which will take some big time major studying. I don’t think any one of my finals will be a cakewalk. On the upside, I know that once I successfully kick their sorry butts into next year, I will feel a spectacular sense of accomplishment. On the downside, until I do, they will be kicking my butt. I’m like Hulk Hogan in old WWF matches: the other guy is currently kicking the crap out of me and will continue to, with me only getting a very few successful moves in, until that pivotal moment when the lightning will come into my eyes and the burst of kick-butt strength will show those classes who is boss. But man, right now I am just an ant fighting a rhinoceros. The worst thing is that we don’t get anything back with good grades on it in German, so I feel like I am doing awfully. Frau Weiss says I am doing fine, but it’s hard to convince myself of that. I just have to crack down, really. I am learning how to work hard, and how to work a lot, but I want to go out and play now and this whole week I can’t really, not for long at least. Thursday I hope to escape to the beach for a few hours, and REST. Because three and a half weeks seems like far too long to last right now…

2002-04-14T21:35:00.000-04:00

What a great weekend. Friday night I went with Mike and Jon and some random girl Brean to a show with Mike and Jon’s favorite band, Cave In. It was really loud and some of the music was heavier than I like. And I knew it would be a good idea to plug my ears when I was so close to the speaker that bursts of sound would slightly blur my vision. I thought that was pretty cool and wondered how it happens (physics, I know), and then I also realized it probably wasn’t very good for my hearing. But all in all I had a really great time, and I’m really glad I got to go. Even spending four hours in the car didn’t bother me cause it was great company. We didn’t even get back until 2:10 am or so, and my left ear is still ringing.
Then yesterday I was trying to concentrate on work, but I was kinda grouchy since I was a bit short on sleep, and I couldn’t concentrate, so for about an hour I blew off work and tossed around a baseball with Rebecca, Mike, Dan, and David and that was great fun. Later Mike and I saw Dan and Dan and the rest of college choir, and then us and Jen and Kim and her roommate watched Raiders of the Lost Ark (gotta love Indiana Jones). After that Dan and Mike gave a little impromptu guitar duet concert for Kim and me for about an hour and a half. So I was up til 1:30 (See Levs, I really CAN be a night owl once in a while…). I still made it up in time for church today (but just barely!). And today was GORGEOUS, it was simply impossible to stay inside. I even went to the beach for almost an hour, and had a picnic dinner outside. But now I’m really tired, and I’m glad that my 8:00 is cancelled tomorrow, and that I am going to skip my 9:10 and just make a morning of it. I was kinda worried when I was sick Thursday and Friday that it was the physical manifestation of my stress, and so a time-out would be nice.

2002-04-11T10:33:00.000-04:00

So I really hate being sick. I mean, I really hate it. Like I was SHOT last night, so I turned out the lights at 11. But I woke up at 12 and was like, uh-uh, can’t stay here, tummy ain’t going to allow that! I wasn’t going to be able to sleep any time soon, so I went upstairs, where I knew my friends Rebecca and Sunny would still be awake. And I crawled into a little ball on Sunny’s bed while they did homework and put a blanket over me and a teddy bear in my arms and gave me a book to read. That was nice for an hour, but it was getting kinda dull. So I did what any other person who’s awake at 1 am does: turned on my computer and looked who was online. Mike was online and was so fast to im me “You’re still up?” that he beat me asking the same question. In the end he sat up with me watching bad late night TV for an hour and a half until I started yawning again and thought maybe I could sleep again. Of course, I’m still sick like you wouldn’t believe, like I wouldn’t believe for that matter. Like, I walked to Bennet to drop off my slugger’s game day treat stuff, and between walking there and back I was absolutely drained! I am not going ANYWHERE else today, that’s for sure. I’m going to curl up in an itty bitty ball on my bed and watch movies and not move. Sounds kinda relaxing actually.

2002-04-10T17:00:00.000-04:00

Ugh, I have a headache. I have studied good and hard for my physics exam today, in fact so hard that I actually dreamt physics last night. I dreamt that my friends Chris and Levi and Rebecca and Mindy were explaining to me everything for the exam. My first physics dream. How weird.
Speaking of physics, I registered for classes this morning. Here’s my schedule next semester:
MWF
8:00 Algebraic Structures with Dr. Stout
2nd Quad only 9:10 Math Methods in Physics
11:25 Electricity and Magnetism
1:00 Elementary Quantum Physics (I dunno about you, but that seems like an oxymoron to me!)
3:20 Advanced German Writing
Mondays Only 4:30 Junior Seminar for Physics
TR
Thursdays only 9:45 Electricity and Magnetism Lab
2nd Quad only 11:30 Dancing Through the Decades
Thursdays only 1:15 Elementary Quantum Lab
AND I’ll be TA-ing for Dr. Phillips again. I think I’ll be dropping Women’s Choir and the Calc grading I did this year.
And it looks like the apartment thing may be coming together for Rebecca and I. Actually yesterday we both independently talked to different people who agreed to live with us, but Rebecca found one junior so we’d still need another and I found a senior and a junior or senior, so we’d almost definitely get an apartment. So Rebecca’s going to meet them as soon as possible.
And the weather is beautiful! Yesterday got up above 70 degrees and I got to wear capris and a tanktop! Today is almost 60, but that’s STILL fantastic! Of course, I also learned yesterday that throwing a baseball is harder than I remember. I throw like a girl. Of course, there is a very good reason for that (I *am* a girl) but I would like to be able to throw a softball without it no matter what I do dropping exactly 3 feet in front of whoever I’m throwing it to. But alas, I must be going. I’ll practice softball later.

2002-04-05T16:54:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up to my radio playing “I Will Survive”. How appropriately timed. Yesterday was like a 24-hour fire drill in my life, except I couldn’t leave the metaphorical building.

But today I am happy to report that I am back on top of my game, I have once again proven to myself that I do indeed retain some morsel of intelligence in the fields I pursue. Well, the german language continues to show me who is boss and it still isn’t me, but in the UNIVERSAL language of mathematics I once again rule the world. I found my foundations, which yesterday were ripped from beneath my feet with a rapidity that would stun even a photon, once again solidly beneath me with a nice cement of understanding. But now it is the weekend and so I shall escape it again for another 60 hours or so….

2002-04-05T11:54:00.000-05:00

This is something I wrote last night but was unable to blog:
I hate not understanding stuff. I mean really. I hate not understanding stuff with the fire of a thousand hells. I go into panic mode and my entire day I feel like I can’t get anything done (which I can’t, because I don’t understand it and don’t know how to finish it!) and that I done have enough time to do all I need to and it’s like flashing lights and sirens are going off around me and I run everywhere out of breath and am anxious to leave because I’m never going to have enough time to do the next thing. And I forget stuff! Yeah, today was a lot like that.
Fortunately, I successfully completed my differential project, came to an understanding of the homework, and am on top of all my stuff today and all is well. I feel particularly vindicated for having successfully completed the differential homework for Monday without even once needing to ask for help. Phew, I'm still smart after all!

2002-04-02T16:49:00.000-05:00

I’m back at school so I don’t know how frequently the blogs will get posted since for whatever reason blogger is positively ANAL while I am here at school… it’s kinda irritating like that. I got my parents and my grandparents really good for April Fool’s. I didn’t sign on instant messenger for an hour and a half after getting back to Gordon, then I told them that I’d gotten a flat tire and was starting to change it when a policeman came and helped me. And I asked where I should take my car to fix it, and they were seriously answering my questions and I was sitting here at my computer laughing my head off. I guess it was kinda low and mean, but dang was it a good laugh. I think I’ll laugh again: HAHAHAHA! Suckers, it’s April Fools! And no one got me even once! Score: Amy 1, World 0!!

YELLOW

You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding.

Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Well, there's a real surprise

2002-03-31T15:46:00.000-05:00

Yay, happy Easter! I’ve egg-dyed and egg-hunted to my heart’s content. Honestly, some of my eggs magically appeared AFTER I first walked by where they were hidden. Like they wore a magic cloaking device the first time around. Rebecca even found all her eggs before me today. Except they were hidden really easily, so maybe it’ll all even out. Well, the waistline is exploring new vistas, hopefully not for long. As my girl Kristy said, we’re still wearing our winter coats. I think I finally got the spring break I never had two weeks ago. I feel rested. I don’t have to do homework today. I didn’t work at all. I spent time with my friends, even got attacked in my own bed at 12:30 AM by a tickling Arab. Yes, suffice it to say I think I’ll survive the rest of the year.

2002-03-28T09:20:00.000-05:00

Well I’m home so I can finally blog again. I don’t know why it’s so anal at school, absolutely won’t let me log in, let alone post. Anyway, it’s been really rough in the week between spring break and easter break. I had this feeling like I was in a giant glass of water that was being filled faster than I could swim to the surface. Of course, just as I was getting over this feeling I had to start packing for this weekend because I am HOME here with the lovely and wonderful and mischievous Rebecca Copty. I say mischievous because of the stunt she organized for my birthday. See my website, http://princessamy326.tripod.com/id7.html I tell you, I was totally speechless and still can’t believe that I am worthy of friends like that. Levi said too I had to learn how to be sleep deprived. See, I am not used to napping, and so I was awake for the rest of the day, from 4:10 until midnight. I did try to take a nap the day after, for an hour, but I think I only slept about 10 or 15 minutes of that time. But I needed to so I could DRIVE HOME. I’m glad to be home and have a weekend of nothing but sleep, TV, shopping, and friends and family ahead of me.

2002-03-18T11:44:00.000-05:00

Back to the grind again. It is very fair to say I don’t want to be here, really. I was just getting into the swing of things at home. Let alone that two days ago I was wearing capris and a tank top in 70 degree weather, and today I am wearing a fuzzy turtleneck and jeans in a high of 35 degrees and it’s SNOWING. If the workload wasn’t enough reason, THAT sure is. I am thinking that yes, I am rather tired of this 20 credits business. And I am only halfway done! Yes folks, I have finally reached the long-awaited “what was I thinking???” point. And I’m setting up a meeting tomorrow to discuss the possibility of summer classes! I’m a nut, through and through. But at least I am successful. I was one of only 20 people (out of close to 300, mind you) to get an A on Hunt’s exam, a 91.67. So I am very very happy about that at least.

2002-03-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

Spring break is over, and in less than an hour I’ll be on the road again. Although it was Spring Break, it wasn’t really a break at all for me. In fact, I’m not sure it was at all less stressful than a normal week at school. I had 4 really really hard days at work, one dinner shift was so bad I burst into tears in the middle of it. And between those 4 days I worked about 30 hours. That’s a good deal more than I expected. Granted, I enjoy the people at work, I really do. Most of my socializing while I am at home I do at work. But I was particularly emotional probably, and tired, and it was just hard. And I felt like a piece of meat more than ever at work this time. I actually feel like “just a pretty face” there sometimes to some people. And the cattiness from some of my less favorite waitresses was just annoying. I knew I was getting in deep this semester, but it really is stretching me thin and I guess that night I started crying was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wish I could’ve gone to the beach. I need a vacation. And it’s over. How immensely depressing….

2002-03-11T21:22:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I got bored and found an online quiz/personality test sort of thing... don't it speak the truth though? ;) I'm golden...

2002-03-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

I finally got enough work done to call it quits for the remainder of the break. That means that I did enough writing for German to pass off as the bare minimum which I may feel the need later to add to, and that I consider the statistics course web site to be as good as finished, except I’ll have to add some extra links when the prof gives them to me. The grand total then: 18 hours of homework. YUCK!! That’s nearly an entire DAY of just sitting and working! And to be perfectly honest, I cut some corners on that German assignment. Man, that thing was a pain in the neck. But homework has seriously worn me out, I absolutely am SO sick of it I can’t fathom touching it for the next few days. Really, I need an extra week at home. But I guess it’ll be a good thing to jump back in to life at Gordon before I get too used to the rest. Anyway, I went to one of my cousin’s basketball games tonight, it was the playoffs and they lost, which is a shame because they looked pretty good out there, but I ran into someone I would not have expected ever to see near the school again: my friend Mike from high school! It reminded me that no, not all the people I met there were good for nothing except forgetting, that there were a precious few who were good for some quality time and memories. And now tomorrow, I work. Why do I dread going to work in the restaurant? Usually I really have a good time, and I’m sure I will enjoy the people, but I’m just so tired, so tired all the time right now… I just need to suck it up and get going again. Hey, only two more months and then I can crash for a little while…

2002-03-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

So it’s Sunday of spring break. Four days have already gone by before I even realized which end was up. I have still 2 chapters of NT reading, a few finishing touches on my differential equations take-home exam, a bit more of my statistics course website to do (Jon, you’d be proud, I did it all in raw code, and I actually enjoyed it!), and the entire write-up for my German assignment. That last one makes me scream in horror and flee, seeking refuge in some remote corner of my house while shaking and curling into a teeny ball in the hope of disappearing, all the while muttering “ach nein, Gott, kein Deutsch mehr, ach, mein Koepf!” And I have yet to waitress, thought that will begin on Tuesday.
I haven’t been able to journal much lately because Blogger seems to have identified my computer and decided to not ever allow it to log on, let alone post. I’m not sure why this is, but it has not yet discovered my home computer… mu-hahahaha! So I can once again update you on my life. My lenten fast continues, for those who know what it is. Of course, as I have recovered and moved on from recent events, it is good that I have made myself this ultimatum, or I might be letting myself slip back prematurely into bad habits. But I think I can maintain this healthy perspective for a little while longer… I have started thinking though, speculating, and soon I’ll be ready to go again.
I already am sad about next year, and how there are a few of my friends that I won’t be seeing all year. To have to limit certain treasured friendships to email, letters, and maybe a Christmas break visit is enough to break my heart from time to time. And then I think how I am going away in the spring and some of my friends will graduate before I return, and then I think about how some of my friends have transferred or deferred already, and it seems so dangerous to make friends in this time of life because they keep leaving you. Let alone after my own graduation when I’ll end up God knows where… Perhaps that’s why friendships are so intense now. We know we’ve got a limited time frame, and we need to treasure every moment we hang out together.

2002-03-08T22:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I am home from spring break, and you think I would stop doing schoolwork, right? NOOOOO. I have SO much work, I spent 10 hours on homework in my first two days at home! It’s pathetic yes, but at least I am being productive. I don’t feel like I’m getting the break that I so badly need though. I still feel as frantic and stressed as ever.
So, I was so upset at Stacey's betrayal of me that I couldn’t sleep that night. I was so upset because I wanted to make her feel bad and for that I felt awful. And the next day I learned that she was telling people that I kicked her, intentionally, when I went to pick up my keys which I had thrown down the hall. I swear I don’t remember doing it. And no one remembers seeing it. But I guess I must have, or else why would she be so upset? Because we both were so upset that we went to our RA, separately, and she had us meet together and work it out. So all is good now, I apologized for kicking her (if I did) and she apologized, and I don’t think we’ll be as ruthless on each other if we play elimination again. How do I always find myself in situations like that??

2002-03-05T21:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I am REALLY bitter about what Stacey did to me in this elimination game. Inwardly. On the outside, I know it’s just a game, we all want to help our friends… maybe that’s what bugs me the most, because you should be able to expect a certain amount of loyalty from your next door neighbor! But I suppose not, I suppose that doesn’t mean anything in this cutthroat game. It’s one thing when they are your target, the person you’ve been assignment by the game to eliminate. It is quite another when they harbor the person after you in their room just waiting for you to get back so they can spring at you from the doorway. I should’ve tried for the bathroom and not my dorm room. Ah well. I made a good run I guess. My goal was to eliminate my first target, I did that after a long footchase all the way around the back of Jenks. I even got my second target, Stacey, in line in Lane. My third target simply sacrificed her clothespin when I walked in while she was napping. And then I hid for the rest of the night. And if I had made it until the morning, I’d have been fine. But no, Stacey helped the person after me. That’s just not right to do to the girl who’s lived next to you all year. And yeah, in a day I’ll be over it (or else there will be some tension on this floor, let me tell you!). But I’m dang ticked right now! AUGH

2002-03-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

One of the perks of being a junior by credits is that I can participate in junior class events, which are often far cooler than sophomore class events. One such event is taking place tonight: Singled Out/Battle of the Bands. The second half of this event I couldn’t care less about. The first one is a game I have really wanted to play. I had some reservations, however, since I’m not actually going to graduate with the class of 2003. Yes, I’m allowed to play, but I’d be irritated if some little snot-nosed freshman nosed her way into a sophomore class event and beat me. But at the prodding of several people, I, for whatever reason, agreed that tonight I shall play. And this has absolutely snowballed on me. Of course, now many of my freshman and sophomore friends have vowed to be at this event, cheering me on no less. I’ll have my own freaking cheering section. And what is this game, really? A shameless competition to get a date that I don’t really want right now anyway, an opportunity to make a complete idiot out of myself and forever distinguish myself among next year’s graduating class as that dorky junior-wannabe. Whatever possessed me??

2002-02-28T11:51:00.000-05:00

Hey, look, it worked! Wow, that's incredibly amazing. Well, the snow that fell yesterday has completely and utterly shattered my hope that spring had indeed come about a month early. I was really pushing for it, especially since on Tuesday I was sitting outside in the 60 degree sunshine reading to my heart's content. But alas, today I am indoors looking out at the blinding whiteness that is 26 degrees cold. NOT fun. Yesterday I was in denial, I wore sandals as I walked through the half inch of snow. But life is blissfully simple right now, there is plenty of work to do and no boys to complicate it, unless you count whoever sent me a crushlink thing the other day. I wonder who that was... hey, reveal yourself! Anyway, gotta go before blog gets anal again. :P

2002-02-28T11:41:00.000-05:00

Well, it's kinda frustrating, Blog hasn't let me post since last Thursday. I've tried several times, and it'll be interesting to see if this actually goes through. I am SO ready for spring break. Come 2:30 Next Wednesday, I'm going to RUN away from Gordon college for a week and a half. Of course, I'll work during that time, and read, and knit... I'll have some work to do too. I am taking on some more grading, hey, why not? My classes are going well, I've balanced my workload so that I have almost every other day completely free. I can handle some more. I'm going to keep this short in case it doesn't let me post...

2002-02-25T09:38:00.000-05:00

I would just like to express how stupid I think it was for someone to try to steal Dr. Hunt’s New Testament exam. Granted, I am as thrilled as the next girl that we don’t have to take it today, but come on now. Even if you attend a Christian school without high morals, you should at least exhibit respect for those of us with high morals. Or at least, with morals high enough not to cheat. Oh well.
Yesterday I went shopping and explained to my friend Rebecca how ice cream solved all the world’s problems. It does. Sitting there with my white mint brownie and my cappuccino buttercrunch everything was ok. That awful exam? Gone. Stress? A thing of the past. Seriously, when you have ice cream, you have nothing to worry about, except maybe your waistline.

2002-02-23T14:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, in the immortal words of Chris Love, my statistics exam yesterday “raped” me. I was so mentally exhausted by it that I felt physically sick. Open-book-open-note exams are not supposed to do that to you! They are supposed to be a freaking cake walk because you have all of your resources right there and you have nifty examples that you can manipulate and answer the test questions and it’s not supposed to knock you out! But we all, every one of us, walked out of that exam with a feeling of defeat. None of us want to speak of it ever ever again. It’s not like I think I got a lot wrong. I feel pretty good about what I answered. But getting those answers out of myself was like pulling out my toenails with a pliers. I think I may keel over and die this weekend. Nice weather for it, though.

2002-02-21T13:51:00.000-05:00

There is nothing more fulfilling on this earth than waking up, looking at your alarm clock, and discovering that for the first time this semester you have actually defied your body clock and slept until 10. Oh, I tell you it's wonderful. I love Thursdays. With a passion. And so now it's about 3 hours after I woke up and I am finally starting to kinda begin working. Well, between coats of nail polish.
Last night Wilson hall proved once and for all who is the dominant sex in this dorm. The girls beat the guys in battle of the sexes by a score of 20 to 14 I think. Point is, we won. Dan Byler told me that while the questions the guys were asked (questions that, stereotypically, women would know the answers to) were useless facts nobody cared about, the questions the women were asked ("man-questions") were absolutely relevant to the functioning of this planet. I fail to see how the number of basketball players active on a roster, or what city a car chase in a particular movie took place in, is any more relevant than what pumice is used for or what the best way to store egg whites is. Funny how only four stayed in the lounge more than 30 seconds after the game ended....
You know, since I've gained a little more self-confidence, I've noticed that there are so many people who have less of it than I thought. And in each case, it strikes me that they are so much better than they give themselves credit for. I suppose I was the same way. Learning how to support my friends is really helpful to me though. Because there is no way to do it without bearing all and being utterly honest. You can't hold back feelings and beliefs when you are reassuring someone, it just doesn't work. They would see that what you said had no substance and toss it off as weightless trash. But honesty, man, there is no doubting what you tell them then. I wonder if I am making any sense.

2002-02-20T10:58:00.000-05:00

I have been confronted with yet another little pocket of stress. The next few days should be pretty interesting, as I strive to keep my head on my shoulders and screwed on straight. Let’s see if I can order out my life: Friday I have my probability exam and will receive 65 calculus papers to grade, Monday I have a differential equations project due, a NT exam, and 20 more calculus papers to grade, and my next NT one-page paper is due next Friday (thank God for extensions!). I lost my head for a brief moment this morning as I contemplated all this. Dr. Hunt described his NT exam as “tough.” He said he took it and got a C+. Then he admitted that he actually got them all right, which I would think should be the case, since he’s the freaking professor with the freaking doctorate. This class irritates me just a bit. But I think I could get a half-decent grade without studying at all. However, I shall not test that theory, but rather as soon as I stop using this entry to procrastinate, will set about lining out the differences between the four gospels which I shall then proceed to memorize over the course of the weekend. Also, I’m so excited, I’ve heard nothing but good things about the article I posted on the opinion window here at Gordon. For those of you who don’t know, I posted the blog I wrote on February 15th. A girl told me today that she absolutely loved it, that her friend had insisted that she read it, etc. This is encouraging. Two of my friends have labeled it as my manifesto. I have a manifesto. This is an intriguing thought….

2002-02-19T12:38:00.000-05:00

I think my sense of humor has definitely become slightly twisted. Like, when I woke up this morning and the first thought that passed through my conscious mind was "Oh dear God" and this immediately struck me as funny and brought a smile to my face. Hey, you know, I guess whatever starts your day cheerfully... but think about it, mornings are hilarious. Saturday morning I woke up and went into the bathroom, still half asleep, and saw someone there before my eyes could adjust to the light. I mumbled, "what in heaven's name are you doing up this early?" because it was 10 minutes before 7 am. Then my eyes adjusted and I realized that it was a visitor of one of the girls on our floor and not actually someone I knew. Oops. But dang funny.

2002-02-18T12:10:00.000-05:00

If this morning is any indicator, this is going to be one of the most hilarious days of my life. Hey, it’s a Monday, maybe it would even last the whole week! Of course, it’s only hilarious because I happen to find an incredibly dark humor in it all. See, the morning did not start well. I woke up in a rather unpleasant way, and on top of that, when I got into the bathroom, was informed that there was no hot water in the entire building. Well, I went on my merry way to Bennet to work out, banking on the hope that my faith in Gordon’s plumbing system would be restored upon my return. Naturally, I was thus disappointed. Let me tell you, to take a shower that cold you really have to want it. It was so cold it made my head hurt to try to rinse out the shampoo! I was seriously shaking when I emerged in my bathrobe, and was cold for about the next hour. It was a quick shower for me, but it felt like about the longest couple of minutes in my life. And New Testament felt irrepressibly long today too! But the sky is blue, it DIDN’T snow at all last night (ha-le-frikkin’-lu-jah!) and I got to sleep in my own bed last night. Who could be bitter about a day like this? Besides, if I weren’t me, I would laugh pretty dang hard at myself. So I may as well do that anyway.

2002-02-15T11:51:00.000-05:00

You know, what really bugged me about yesterday was not "not having a Valentine" (I put that in quotes because I had many Valentines, they just didn't happen to be a boyfriend). No, what really bugged me were all my friends moping around "celebrating" Singleness Awareness Day. And by celebrating, I mean walking around all day sad and depressed because "oh, I am not with Prince/Princess Charming! boo-hoo!" Oh cry me a freaking river. You know, if I have learned one thing, it is that that special someone is not going to be irresistably drawn to you when you walk around moping and depressed about your love life. They are not going to ride up on a white horse and rescue you from your misery. They do not want to be the savior of someone's love life, nor is it fair to expect them to be that. Part of becoming attractive to someone else is being happy with yourself, and happy with yourself alone. You need to be whole as a person before you can be whole with a person, or else the whole thing would fall apart in no time flat anyway. Let's face it, the Lonely Hearts Club is no fun place to be. So why spend any time there? Just think of all the fun you are missing out in the real world while you are sitting in your room because you don't have a date. Newsflash: This is Gordon College. Half the campus doesn't have a date. You are certainly not alone! I have a new and radical theory (at least, new and radical for me): all us singles need to hang out with the opposite gender often. We need to enjoy them and the differences between us, but we need to do so without falling in love with them. Only when we know how to be friends, and I mean deep friendships, not just "Hihowareyougoodseeyoulater" will we know how to appreciate another person for who they are and not how we feel when we meet their eyes. I'm told that love comes when you least expect it. So we've got to stop looking. How? I wish I could tell you. We've got to let go of those comforting dreams and fantasies that lull us to sleep at night. For me it involved hitting bottom so the only way to look was up. Only you can decide when you are ready to start living for yourself. But when you do, February 14th won't be the day of impending doom whether or not you are in a relationship. It'll be a chance to wear that red shirt or those tacky socks. So, I challenge any depressed singles to get out there... and be irresistable.

2002-02-14T15:41:00.000-05:00

Could it be that there might actually be the possibility of accomplishing all the things today that I want to? I mean, I woke up, started my laundry, went to the gym, made an omelette with Rebecca, put away my laundry, FINISHED FIXING MY COMPUTER!!!, wrapped some little v-day packets, went to Gillie's for coffee, and now I am painting my nails a horrible festive girly pink. Oh, and I vacuumed!! My brother's gf will be staying in the room this weekend, and the carpet was just looking nasty. So I vacuumed, even places that haven't seen the light of day all school year, like under our rug. You know, it doesn't seem like there is a way for hair to get under the rug, but I picked up seriously enough to donate to Locks for Love and create an entire wig. It was NASTY. So Elise, just so you know, the floor is nice and clean for you. And after this, I'm going to finish my German homework, and then work on some practice problems for Stats. Ah... accomplishment...
Oh yeah, and it's Valentine's Day, and actually it's not really bugging me. I was going to wear a pink sweater, then I said, nah.... Besides, there's a girl in Ferrin wearing enough pink to take care of the whole campus. Seriously, light pink warmups, and a magenta t-shirt, with a lavender thermal shirt underneath so she doesn't have to spoil the effect with a coat. It's actually been nice to get Valentines, and so I'm feeling pretty good about the day. But if I see couples walking around all smoochy and lovesick, I'm going to lose my lunch. And I hope that doesn't happen, because I really enjoyed my lunch. I mean really, an omelete with onion and peppers and mushrooms and oregano. So I'd really like to keep that down.

2002-02-13T12:19:00.000-05:00

Once again I have had to do a major overhaul of my entire computer. It was a freaking pain in the butt. See, ever since I had to replace first my hard drive, then my floppy drive, and finally my entire motherboard back in September/October, I have not had working USB ports. Which is really irritating when you get stuff for Christmas that is for USB. So I went directly into denial, because I don't have time to deal with any sort of tech support, and I really didn't want to face the possibility of actually having to take apart my computer again. Well, after about 2 weeks of email tag I finally got a phone number to call, and did have to take apart my computer after all for a bit, but then put it back together and ended up having to reformat. Dandy. Anyway, the problem seems to be fixed now, so as soon as I finish putting all my software back all should be well.
On another note, I figured out how to express myself in this journal and keep some thoughts secret: write in German!! Hahahaha, no one will understand me and I'll still get to vent. And so, today's private German thought: Ich habe fuer Fastenzeit mein Herz vollig abgegeben. Ich werde nicht in jemanden verknallt sein, und nicht nach Jungen traeumen oder wuenschen. Vierzig Tage, die kann ich machen.
There you go, Rebecca, it's written, sort of.

2002-02-11T12:42:00.000-05:00

So I had another very vivid dream. I won’t go into as much detail this time, but I’ll just say the three major elements in this dream were a cat that was scratching and biting at me, my grandmother, and a little psycho doll I was trying to hold. I knew when I woke up what it meant, and maybe I’ll even listen to what my subconscious is advising me. Interpretations for those three dream elements are as follows:
Cat: Dreaming of a cat is a generally unfortunate omen and it shows treachery as well as a run of bad luck. If the cat scratches you then will you meet with treachery and deceit
Grandparents: As a general rule grandparents are a symbol of, love, security, love, protection, love, home, and love.
Doll: Dolls in dreams are lifeless images of real people. They are suggestive of a person that is not genuine and does not express her feelings. Most dreams are about our personal issues and concerns and not about others. Therefore, think about yourself and try to see if you have been behaving in such ways that have been less than "real." Dolls as a dream symbol may represent the way you relate and interact with your internal and external environments. If feelings of detachment and phoniness prevail in your daily life, then they may be reflected in this dream
So, suffice it to say that those are pretty accurate. Funny that I should be shown so much through my dreams right now, but it’s a comfort.
On a completely different note, know what REALLY annoys me? When people get up in front of chapel or convo and say “Good morning!” to which they get muttered results, because it’s freaking 10:30 am and we are college students and still want to be asleep, so they say “Oh, I KNOW you can do better than that! GOOD MORNING!!” and then enough people humor them to allow them shut up and more on to a more constructive topic. But for pity’s sake, I am a morning person, and when someone gets up to speak and starts like that, it just makes me hostile. Anyway.

2002-02-10T15:07:00.000-05:00

I am the duck.
(Thanks Chris)

2002-02-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

Well, Gordon cut off our electronic connection with the outside world for two whole days. Though it shook me to the core, I somehow managed to survive this difficult ordeal. So at about 1 this morning I went to check my email, because email is a drug that clings to your arm like a leech and sinks it’s fangs deep into your flesh and simply sucks out all your free time, yet keeps you coming back despite messages that have any number of “FWD:”s in their subject line, and where was I going with this? Oh yeah, so the gordon site has a message up that reads, and I quote: “The Network is still experiencing problems. We are doing everything in our power to get the network stable.” I KNEW IT! Heaven forbid we should have uninterrupted internet connection. I would very much like to think that the people in charge of this are really doing the best job possible with the resources they possess, but I am becoming increasingly skeptical of that. At any rate, I think I may never be truly hungry again. Last night some of us girls made some pasta with homemade sauce, and a salad, and a white cake, and even though 6 of us ate it there was leftover enough for 6 more. Yes well, excuse not to go to Lane for a day! And so life is going pretty well, I had a good weekend that almost convinced me that I have an actual social life. Last night I even successfully spelled “psychology” backwards in a game. I also broke two nails, and I’m a little irritated about that. But at least I have my email and instant messenger back. I thought for a moment there that I’d actually have to find something to occupy my time that DIDN’T involve a computer… …

2002-02-07T11:25:00.000-05:00

It seems to me that stress comes in waves. And not just like a quiet day at the beach, either. We’re talking waters as calm as a sheet of glass, then you blink, and there is a tsunami bearing down on your head. Every once in a while I feel like that. Like two days ago, I was bored. I was relaxing, I felt like I had nothing to do. Then yesterday I went from class to class and just got one assignment after another dumped in my lap, and all of a sudden I was like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” But like I tell my roomie, I tackle one thing at a time. I focus on one assignment, complete it, and then turn to the next. Sometimes I can’t finish something right away, so I’ll put it aside, and do something that I can finish. Of course, that leaves me with two very difficult assignments and a really annoying paper to do today, but I’ve got all day to do them. So I guess it’s not all that bad. Let’s just hope my hair will look good. I’m getting it cut in about 5 minutes…

2002-02-06T16:57:00.000-05:00

This has been one of those days when my only prayer is that I don't look like I feel. Not even caffeine, sweet, blessed caffeine, could do the trick today. I have such dark circles under my eyes they may as well have been drawn by a Sharpee marker. At least, that's how it feels. Which doesn't make any sense because I got enough sleep last night to make most of my friends fly at me in a jealous rage. Well, only 7 hours, but still, some people I know dream of getting seven hours of sleep. That has to be some sort of pun. So anyway, tomorrow I am letting a friend of mine trim and layer my hair. This shall be a traumatic experience, but I shall not let her see that. She is terrified that I'm going to sit there and freak out about her cutting off too much. Really, that probably won't happen. Probably I'll be fine then, it'll be after the fact that I go back and think, I miss my hair, I want it back. People with short hair don't understand that when you have long hair and you cut off even just a few inches, so little that normal people don't even notice, it's like you have cut off a leg, or cut the life from some little part of yourself. Perhaps you think this is far too much weight to put on a haircut. Maybe I should cut off a lot anyway, maybe I should go for a drastic change. New look to cement my renewed perspectives, or some such junk. Nah, probably not...

2002-02-05T08:48:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me, perhaps the crash wasn’t the only part of my dream worth analysis.
Neck: To dream about any neck, denotes your present feelings of jealously and resentment. It involves emotional problems involving a friend or relative.
Mountain: To see mountains in your dream, signifies many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. If you are on top of the mountain, then it signifies that you have achieved and realized your goals. Alternatively, mountains denote a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth. To dream that you are climbing a mountain signifies your determination and ambition.
Parents: Some believe that this dream usually has nothing to do with your parents, but rather the male and female sides of personality or Self. The father may represents the expressive, creative, and protective sides of God while the mother His receptive and nurturing side. Carl Jung suggests that women in dreams represent our collective unconscious and men our collective consciousness. Thus, the woman is that force, or current, inside of you that urges you on and inspires you. This knowledge is intuitive and unexpressed by words. Men, on the other hand, represent the active part of us that uses the information received to create the physical reality of our lives. When the two are working together well we have balance and experience awareness leading to peace and productivity.
I hadn’t thought it worth mentioning, but after the crash in my dream and after my friend ran off to help other people, I lay there wondering if my parents were ok and wondering where they were. Interesting that they actually represent parts of God or forces inside me.
Is that not the most fascinating dream? I can't believe it was so packed with meaning, but in all seriousness, it gave me such a peace. Really, it's like the blow hit me, but then just slowly rolled off.

2002-02-04T12:38:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I definitely believe that dreams have meanings sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. Like, this summer I had a very vivid dream of a baby. In dream dictionaries, babies mean new beginnings and stuff like that. Last night I had a very intense dream too. I dreamt that I was transferring to Messiah College for a semester, and that even though it was only about 2 hours away, my parents and I decided to fly out there. Working at the airport was a girl I have a few classes with, and we talked briefly. So we got on the plane, and our seats were near the back. The seat on my ticket was along the side of the plane, where there was just one seat in each row. And the person before me was reclining back so far, I had no room, and I felt so claustrophobic I switched to sit across the aisle in the center section where the row was empty, and I was now sitting in front of my parents and alone in my row. The plane was pretty empty in fact. Anyway, the runway ended pretty quickly and then there were mountains, so that the plane would have to get up to speed very fast to be able to take off in time to clear this mountain ridge. And so the plane started up and went at it, but clearly wouldn’t be able to pull up in time. So the pilot pulled away and glided back into control and swung around to make another pass. The second pass failed in the same way. The pilot would dip low and pull high to try to get enough momentum to soar over the mountain. Well, on the third or fourth try, he failed again, and said he was going to dip extra low to get a whole lot of momentum this time. Well, he did dip low, and actually the plane crashed into the ground and the roof flew off. Involuntarily I said “ow,” and I felt my neck go dead. I was still conscious though, laying on my back in the open air. My friend from class rushed over to me, and said “Amy, are you ok?” And I said, “I can’t move.” My neck was broken, I knew it, and all sensation in my body was absolutely gone, it felt like a dead weight, but my head felt fine. And she ran off to help who she could, which was what I wanted her to do anyway because hey, there was nothing she could do for me. And then I woke up. And my body still felt dead, and I couldn’t move my head, but I was also lying on my hair. So anyway, I found an online dream dictionary at www.dreamdoghouse.com , and here’s what it says for “crash”:
Bringing to an end an emotion or fear that was causing stress in the person. Warning about driving habits.
AGH!! How accurate is that????? Except for the driving habits business. Otherwise, that sucker is right on the money!! At least, it symbolizes the end, and hopefully that means the freedom to move on, which I think I have been today. This has been astoundingly easy, actually. I am stunned with my ok-ness with everything. In all truthfulness, I see things totally rationally and I see that nothing is different at all, except that I know the truth.

2002-02-03T13:39:00.000-05:00

Well my period of mourning is over. I am actually doing ok. I have my moments, of course, when I think there is no hope for the future, that I’m back to square one where I always end up and there will never be a break to this endless cycle. I mean heck, this is me that we’re talking about. It just doesn’t seem to be something I am destined for. At least, I feel no closer to it now than I did when I was sixteen. And I feel the clock ticking over my head, each little tick-tock reminding me that time is running away from me and leaving me behind. Tick-tock… tick-tock… tick-tock… I’m not the sort of person who wants to start life near thirty years old. I’m ready for the next stage of my life to begin very soon, not just “eventually”. Yet here I sit, thrown back to the beginning again. My friends all tell me that’s nuts, crazy, but these are the same friends who want to be totally independent for almost 10 more years. That’s not me. I crave stability, security, and I would love to just set my foundations now so I know they are there. And so trust and faith are required. The only good thing about a weekend like this is that it reminds me yet again the role God plays in my life. His love is unconditional, He never leaves me, He never prefers another to me. He showers me with gifts I don’t even see, calls me not even just once a day but constantly. Yet, though He is always here, and in my head I know He is more than I could ever need, my heart is imperfect, and desires something yet more. Is this something God has been denying me, or something I have been denying myself? Is it by my own doing that I am stuck in no-man’s land, or is there some lesson God insists I learn before He allows the cycle to break? And why won’t He just let me have my way? Of course, I always do realize in retrospect when He does, that He was right all along, but that doesn’t make things any easier today.

2002-02-02T13:41:00.000-05:00

I am allowing myself a 24 hour period of mourning that began at 9:30 this morning when I awoke and finally faced the reality of what happened. Yes, for this brief time I am indulging in self-pity, and chocolate. I am told that I am not allowed to doubt that I am thin and/or pretty ever again, but this is easier said than done. I actually think I am dealing rather well, all things considered. I can’t seem to get my mind off it all, but then again, I’m not really trying yet. The hardest part is that I’m not angry. I have no desire to be angry. This is a great thing for everyone but me, and I care enough to take comfort in that. But it would be so much easier if I could be angry, because then I’d know how to feel. Instead, it’s just like the emotional ground has been yanked out from underneath me and I’m sinking, sinking. Except that I’m still rational enough to know where I need to go from here. I know to allow myself to stay in this attitude for longer than a day would be unhealthy, I know I can’t go out tomorrow seeking to fill this new hole. Rather my head knows that it’s time to fall in love with myself again. And in truth, I actually do feel good about me, and this will be hard, don’t get me wrong, but if my friends can put up with an emotionally weak Amy for just a little while, I’ll be fine. I’m not going to try to bounce back, but test my weight and get back up a little bit at a time.

2002-02-01T19:05:00.000-05:00

I am Chas Tenenbaum. Who might you be?

Well that is slightly depressing

Which fits my mood. Because I am sitting here trying to convince myself that the actions of another need not rule my attitude. See, my head is telling me one thing right now, but my heart is telling me quite another, and we all know which one of those wins out in the female disposition. It’s nights like tonight that I wish I could approach life like a guy and squash down all my feelings and completely ignore them, until some more convenient time that they all explode and crush me into a state of permanent mental distress. But at least it wouldn’t be an issue right now. If I finally am able to convince myself that I am even the slightest bit thin or pretty, someone comes along who is more so. If I take comfort in my intelligence and quick understanding, there’s still someone out there ahead of me. Or say I do believe in myself, and could actually claim this attributes as my own, then I am too intimidating, I am deemed unapproachable, and others are frightened away from intimacy simply because I’m me. The worst thing is, that it feels like, because one thing I thought I knew was wrong, that I don’t know anything, I don’t know what’s true, and I don’t know where or how to begin again. I take comfort in the things that are sure and certain, I immerse myself in my work as a distraction only that I might not have to think about the truth. And so I cling to facts, numbers, things that don’t involve any feeling. These things cannot be taken away or proven invalid like feelings can. What does this all mean? It means that it’s Friday night, and there is nothing that I want to do more now than my math homework…

2002-01-31T16:43:00.000-05:00

The shoes I bought were brown, but they are really cute. I am enjoying them immensely.
Today began a marked transition from what the weather has been in the past two days to an idea close to hell frozen over. It's snowing/sleeting/raining and it just generally yucky. This morning, when there were just big snowflakes slowly falling, was really pretty, and I was actually thinking how beautiful it was. But the transition to this so-called "wintry mix" simply serves to embitter me. It just gets your feet cold and your socks and pants wet, and snow is pretty in your hair but when it melts and dries it just feels gross. One might suggest then that coming to school in New England was not the brightest idea on my part. Not true. I do like the cold, and I do like the fall and spring weather. But the days that the sun sets before I get out of class at 4:30 and the snow that falls and stays until the end of April tend to get on my nerves. Those days just happen to take up about 3/4 of every year...

2002-01-28T23:20:00.000-05:00

I took a mental vacation and skipped convo to buy shoes.

2002-01-27T19:11:00.000-05:00

So this is my second entry in two days. I'm sure they won't always be this frequent, but as it's Sunday, my day of rest, I have had plenty of time to sit and ponder the meaning of life. Actually I went shopping this afternoon, determined to buy a pair of black shoes because I'm tired of wearing the same ones every day, And try as I might to spend my money, I just couldn't do it. It was rather frustrating. And I am just all over tired. Not sleepy especially, just run down. Logic tells me that this is not a good way to feel at the beginning of the semester. Logic also tells me this is probably a very stupid time to be cutting down on caffeine. I believe I have no real common sense. I must be crazy to work like this. But that's ok, sometimes it's fun to lose your mind.

2002-01-26T20:44:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm being a copycat of my girl Sarah and giving this a try. Perhaps it will help me to sort out the angst and franticness of my life. This kind of sad actually, it's a Saturday night, I spent about 7 hours on work today, and I'm too tired to do anything else but recline in my office chair and whine about it to whoever is bored enough to read this. But enough of that. So this semester three days a week I get up at 6:10 am and go to the gym and shower before being consistently 3 minutes late to my 8:00 class, differential equations which I love for multiple reasons. From there I go to New Testament, which I have to take because I was smart enough to choose a liberal arts college. Then is chapel at 10:25, and after that I actually get an hour and a half to breathe! But instead I grab some lunch and a cup of coffee to take to my room and start working, because I gotta stay on top of it all. Then at 1 is my stats class, which has 8 people in it, and only me and one other girl actually talk. Then comes Physics at 2:10, which thanks to the enthusiam of some great and bizarre physics-major friends has actually undone all the damage done by a bad high school physics class and cultivated in it's place a love of the subject. Last is my 3:20 Survey of German lit, which has only 7 people in it. After that I fall over and die. Anyway, that's long enough for now, let's see if I remember next time how to update this...